If you’ve never read one of my blogs before and you never intend to read another - read this one.
Not because it’s brilliantly written (it’s not), a work of creative genius (far from it) or contains the secrets of the fountain of youth (you need to come along to my school presentations for that) but simply because it’s the first blog I’ve written in the last six weeks and contains all the amazing stuff that’s happened to me recently. It’s incredible what happens when you meet people!
I stopped writing my weekly blog after the London Book Fair in April. So much happened down there that I thought I was going to burst but my publisher wouldn’t allow me to tell anybody – something about due diligence and corporate discretion, or another pile of professional pants.
I was really frustrated by this censorship because I’d had a brilliant time down there with my scooter, my fake poo and a couple of whoopee cushions. My instructions were just to have fun so Barney the security dog was blamed for the mess on the floor at various points around Earls Court. And a fat businessman in a suit burst one of my whoopee cushions when he sat down too hard and the bag exploded!
We were approached by roughly ten million overseas distributors who want to take Gorgeous George and the Giant Geriatric Generator to almost every corner of the world. The only continents that my book won’t be available for sale is South America and Antartica.
On the first morning we met a lovely lady from the BBC, who’d heard about the book and wanted to meet up to find out more. Then I presented at the Innovation Zone to the biggest and liveliest audience of the event. Then the following day I was invited to present again because all the organisers had been talking about my session and they’d lined up three photographers and a cameraman.
Then they interviewed both me and my publisher and filmed what has now been called ‘The Scootering Incident’ and as soon as the final editing for the show is complete the clip is going on YouTube. (No more ‘then’s – I promise) And we were next door to a really cool book stand called Gussy the Ice Cream Man. This couple have the rights to Jasper Carrott’s Golden Balls TV show and they have an unbelievable story to tell. More about that later.
After my presentation JK Rowling’s literary agents The Blair Partnership came up to see me, saying how much they’d enjoyed reading my book, that it was a fantastic publication and would love to meet up with me again. One quick change of underwear later and I was back scootering around Earl’s Court in a state of shock.
Back in Falkirk I didn’t have time to calm down as I’d been invited to present the Thomas Cook Short Story Award. Sounds quite grand really, but in reality it was 30 kids and 40 adults squeezed into the front shop of their Falkirk branch. Brilliant fun again though, and all the staff, mums, dads, grandparents and children really got involved, especially Thomas Cook’s mascots Dizzy the Dolphin and Shades the Shark.
And the book tour continues with more and more Head Teachers inviting me to present at their school. I’ve even been befriended on Facebook by Blackridge Primary, Apparently the Scottish Government are encouraging schools to use interactive social media as a new form of learning, which I thought was a little bizarre, considering you need to be 13 to join Facebook.
Then it was back into the Radio Royal studios to record another clip for YouTube from Gorgeous George Book 4 and a host of terrific little stories called Tiny Twisted Tales, published by My Little Big Town. One was actually called Stuart, the Bug Eating Man and although I do the voice-over, I have to point out to everyone that I don’t actually eat bugs.
There was a few days when my computer went mental and I couldn’t have updated the blog if I wanted to so I took it to a really cool repair shop called the Falkirk Computer Shop. Once they’d fixed it, the two techies in the shop loved my Gorgeous George screensaver so much they bought two books from me. I was supposed to give them a mention on here but I’ve lost their card – sorry.
To top it all, the lady from the BBC came along to my school book reading yesterday with Adam, a top BBC director who’s been filming with David Walliams, Charlie Higson and Jacqueline Wilson recently. They want me to write a Gorgeous George pilot TV episode and a pitch to their controller for a 13 episode series! Maybe two or three series!!
And I’m supposed to be finishing off Book 4 so what the blooming heck am I doing writing a stupid blog that nobody reads?!